A Change Of gender And Beyond
Chapter 10
by F.W. Hinton
          " Hey Laura.  Look  at  me-I'm a Guy," Shaun called from the
          bedroom as she stood naked in front of the cheval mirror.

          Laura cried with  laughter and hugged Shaun, knowing she had
          been given her  first  injection  of testosterone. Shaun was
          happy now she  was on her way to becoming the person she had
          always dreamed about.  Happier  than  she had been in a long

          " What happened?"  Laura  asked  sitting on the bed as Shaun
          got dressed.

          " Dr Mitchell,  she  is  really  very  nice.  I'm so glad we
          listened to the people at the Community Church.  She's kind,
          and understanding, willing to listen to what I have to say."
          " This is your third visit, " Laura interrupted.

          " I know.  It  is  well worth it, and I am in Medibank. This
          time Dr Mitchell  explained  about  the  hormone injections.
          I'm starting off with one a week. Just a small dose to begin
          with.  She  said   it's   a   steroid  that  stimulates  the
          development of the  male  secondary  sexual  characteristics
          produced in the testes."

          Laura stared at her.

          " You know what I mean Laura. A man's balls."

          Dr Mitchell told  Shaun  she had studied her case history as
          far back as  the time of her sister Casey Ann.  That she had
          come to the  conclusion  that  eventual sex-reassignment was
          the only answer.   Adding  that  the treatment would take at
          least  two  years.    That   she   would   have  to  undergo
          psychoanalysis, and that  an  assessment  would be made by a
          team of doctors.

          At the end of six months hormone therapy Dr Mitchell decided
          an increase in the treatment was necessary and sent Shaun to
          an endocrinologist.

          Dr David Baron  was an older man and had served on the board
          of the Gender Dysphoria Clinic at the University.  He agreed
          with Dr Mitchell  that  Shaun Maclaren, though born with the
          physical  anatomy  of   a  female  was  psychologically  and
          emotionally a male.   On  his  recommendation  she was to be
          given  testosterone  propionate,  parenertally,  which,  the
          doctor  explained  was   a  longer  lasting  alternative  to

          Shaun was delighted, and when on the way home she told Laura
          her news, she  bought  Shaun  a  man's  wardrobe,  including
          shirts, in her  favourite  colours and lots of ties.  In the
          office Shaun was  referred to as the new Chauffeur-handyman,
          and when the  occasion  permitted  she  accompanied Laura on
          Agency functions. Although  Laura  could  not  see  any real
          change in Shaun.  There  was,  she  felt  an air of mystique
          about her.

          In their lovemaking Laura was enthralled. Shaun, more gentle
          than ever before,  more  attentive, respecting even her most
          absurd whims.  It  seemed  that  Shaun  was  unable  to stop
          touching her. Every stroke of her hand made Laura feel as if
          she were something fragile and precious. After their tension
          built up to  a  climax,  Laura  slept  safe in Shaun's arms,
          knowing there was  now  no  need  of  the appalling bathroom

          Dr Kerry Michell  suggested  the program of sex-reassignment
          begin.   She  made   an   appointment  for  Shaun  with  the
          Psychiatrist, who many  of  her  patients  at  the Community
          Church had consulted.  In  the  rooms  of Dr Peter O'Donnell
          Shaun told him of her feelings and thoughts.

          " There is  nothing,"  she said firmly, " that will dissuade
          me.  I know what I am. I'm not going to become a man. I am a
          man. All I  want  is the right to be able to live and act as
          that person. I now realize I was born that way, I want to be
          allowed to live openly as a man. It's what I've always known
          to be inside  me.  I  am,  Dr  O'Donnell a man, trapped in a
          woman's body."

          Dr O'Donnell had  written  many  papers  on  the  subject of
          transexualism and was  associated  with the Community Church
          Fellowship. When Shaun  had  finished  he  explained how the
          period of assessment worked.

          " The criteria is Shaun, that you will have to live and work
          as- a male  for two years before reassignmemt surgery can be
          carried out. This is not," he added quickly, " implying that
          a team of  specialists  sit in judgement on you, determining
          your qualifications to  have  the numerous operations needed
          to change you  from female to male.  The ultimate assessment
          is made by you Shaun.  You know how well you are coping as a
          man. Even if  you  do  not  admit this openly, your actions,
          sense of dress,  general attitude and conversation will be a
          guide to the  team.  There  are certain expectations of you.
          That you live  entirely  as  a  man  in your work and social
          life. In this Laura can be of great help.

          You will become  aware  Shaun,  as  many  have,  within  the
          Community  Church  that  criticisms  have  been  leveled  at
          doctors for expecting  a  transexual  to fit the stereotyped
          gender they have  chosen. But you must realize that unless a
          guideline is applied  it is very difficult for any doctor to
          determine in practice  if,  the patient really does identify
          with what society  defines,  in  your case as masculine, and
          here, it is  assumed  that  you  will  know what it is to be
          masculine along the  same  principle.   In  time, of course,
          from a post-operative  point  of  view,  you  will develop a
          personality  that  will   break   down  the  hard  and  fast
          stereotypical  image  you   will   have   adopted   in  your
          pre-operative days.  After  your  operations  you  will  mix
          freely in the wider community. It is here that the Community
          Church Fellowship can be of enormous help.  It is my opinion
          that it would  be  advisable  for  you  to  join  in  social
          gatherings as soon  as  possible.  Perhaps you could take up
          an  education program,  or  attend  University.   From  your
          Convent and service  records  you  have  already  passed the
          entrance examination, even  though the system has altered. I
          can help in  that  direction if you wish.  Whether you chose
          to study full,  or  part  time, it will present an excellent
          opportunity for you to mix freely with your chosen gender."

          Just before she  left  the  doctor told her she will have to
          attend his rooms  for  a  consultation every month, and that
          psychological  tests will  be  conducted  at  that  time  to
          ascertain the extent of her cross-gender identification.

          Gradually her voice  deepened  and hair began to grow on her
          face, making Shaun feel more the way she assumed a man would
          feel than ever  before.  Laura still adored her and at times
          laughingly called her,  'her  boygirl'.  On her first day at
          the University Shaun  dressed  in  the clothes of a man. Her
          assessment period having  begun  a  week earlier. She had to
          face her fellow  students, and uncertain of their reactions,
          minutes before the  lecture almost turned and ran. But Laura
          had been so supportive of her entry into Uni, Shaun knew she
          could not let  her  down.  Her main problem was her breasts.
          Although she bound them up and wore a tight tank-top she was
          still very conscious  of  them. On the first day she got her
          period which made her wish like hell she had waited a day or
          two before going  into  the  lecture  hall  with  the  other
          students.  To her  surprise  no  one knew her. Even the girl
          from Laura's office, who was taking similar subjects, either
          did not want  to  know  her, or did not recognize her. After
          the first week  she  made  a  few  firm  friends.  The  male
          students accepting her into their circle fully.

          There were no reservations and sometimes she joined in their
          crude jokes and  remarks  about the opposite sex. This entry
          into the one  time  forbidden  world made Shaun feel she had
          arrived as a man, and she quickly identified with them.

          On one occasion  she  forgot  herself and opened the door to
          the female toilet. Seconds before she entered a voice called
          out. " Hey!  Maclaren.  You're  not allowed in there -unless
          you've been invited."

          At cocktail parties  and  nightclubs she chatted freely with
          other  males. Laura's  colleagues  accepting  Shaun  as  her
          boyfriend. At night  in  the  quiet  of  their  bedroom they
          laughed at the hoax they had played, before they made love.

          Slowly Shaun began  to  realise  that  she  was not thinking
          about herself. Most of her adult life she had been forced to
          ponder her position, questioning herself, wondering each and
          every day how she should go about her tasks as a woman.  Now
          with Laura's help  and  encouragement she no longer dwelt on
          daily habits. She did not think about what a man would do in
          this or that given situation, she went ahead and did it. Now
          there was no  question,  even  by  Dr  O'Donnell  as  to her

          For Shaun Maclaren  it  was  the  greatest revelation in her
          life. She was  no  longer,  two people in one body. She felt
          wholesome, alive as  never  before. She began to think about
          the future. Where  she would be in a few years from now.  At
          last she was able to give tangible thoughts to her feelings,
          and think of  others  instead  of  burying  herself within a
          thing that refused  to stop kicking.  Dr Mitchell was amazed
          that this had  happened to Shaun before her sex reassignment
          operations had even been discussed.

          " Here," Dr  O'Donnell  told his colleagues, after a lengthy
          consultation with Shaun.   "  was a man in every psychic and
          social  aspect.  But  a  man  with  a  vagina,  and  it  was
          imperative that reassignment  surgery  commence  within  the
          next few months."

          It was the  beginning  of  the  second  semester.  Shaun sat
          quietly in the hall waiting for the lecture to commence. She
          glanced at the door as the Professor came in and was certain
          she knew her as the officer who had arranged her transfer in
          the Army. Quickly  dismissing  the idea as being improbable,
          she looked forward to the forthcoming lecture, but felt that
          the Professor was  staring  at her.  Suddenly Shaun found it
          difficult to breathe,  her head started spinning. She tugged
          at her shirt  collar  to get more air. It was then she began
          to perspire freely.   The  Professor noticed her, assumed it
          was a build  up  of tension at the beginning of the semester
          and sent her  to  the rest room, instructing the student who
          helped Shaun down the steps to inform the Matron.

          When the student  left  the  rest  room  to call the Matron,
          Shaun, not daring  to  have  an examination left by the side
          door, went home  and  waited  for Laura. Although the attack
          had lasted only  a few minutes it left Shaun with a headache
          and a nagging pain in the pit of her stomach.

          "   It's   a    condition   referred   to   as   Spontaneous
          Hypoglycaemia," Dr Mitchell  told  her as sat in the surgery
          with Laura. " Diagnosis is sometimes difficult especially in
          the early staged.  It  could be caused by a form of epilepsy
          or possible mental stress."

          " But I  feel so hot," Shaun told the doctor, " I can't bear
          to have my chest bound up any longer. It makes me feel tired
          and terribly itchy. I've got to do something."

          " We can  help  you Shaun, both physically and mentally, and
          it would start  you on your sex-reassignment program. If you
          feel you are ready."

          " How can the program begin so soon? Dr O'Donnell told me it
          would be at least another year."

          " I have  spoken  to  Dr O'Donell recently, and we both feel
          that  you  should  start  the  program  immediately  with  a

          " A Mastectomy!"  Laura cried out in amazement, " that means
          her Br- ."

          " Yes Laura.  The report I have from Dr O'Donnell's panel is
          most encouraging."

          " But-."

          " It is  a  beginning,"  Dr  Mitchell said turning to Shaun,
          ignoring Laura's interruptions,

          " with your  cross-dressing it will help enormously. It will
          help your ability  to  identify  even more with the opposite

          The thought of  Shaun  having  a  mastectomy disturbed Laura
          more than she  cared  to  admit.  She felt the need for some
          form of distraction,  at  least  for  the  remainder  of the
          evening.  They drove  to  their favourite restaurant.  Shaun
          and Laura sat  facing  each  other at their special table by
          the  window, neither  wanting  to  talk  about  the  subject
          uppermost in their  minds.  They dined on lobster and salad,
          and after the  waiter  served  their brandy and coffee Shaun
          held Laura's hands.

          " Don't worry  darling,"  Shaun  murmured  softly,  " if you
          really don't want me to change I do understand"

          An hour had  passed,  they were still holding hands, deep in
          their own private thoughts. They even ignored the waiter who
          cleared the table. Shaun's love for Laura was all consuming,
          and  she  wondered   why  the  thought  of  her  forthcoming
          mastectomy disturbed Laura so much.

          Shaun  thought  about  their  most  intimate  moments.   She
          remembered every time  they  made  love  Luara  would  hold,
          fondle her breasts,  tease  her  nipples with the tip of her
          tongue then suckle them, pretending to be her baby. Suddenly
          she realized how  unfair she was in having an operation that
          would deprive Luara  of  so  much  pleasure.  She  felt torn
          between her love for Laura, and her need to become a man.

          " Shaun!" Laura  said  when  she  finished  the  last of her
          brandy, " you  know  how  I hold and caress you when ever we
          make love. But really-I don't mind if your sure you want the
          operation. As Dr  Mitchell  told us it will make life easier
          for you. I  suppose  I'm  behaving  like a spoilt brat-being
          selfish. I know how much you want to become a man."

          Laura had drunk  more  brandy  than  she  had  intended. She
          couldn't remember getting  out of the car, or going into the
          apartment. She knew  she  was shaking all over as Shaun, now
          aware of her  new  found  masculinity  tried to dominate the
          scene.  She unzipped  Luara's  black velvet dress, pushed it
          aside, when usually she would have allowed it to sigh to the
          floor. To Laura,  Shaun  seemed  to be rough, even brutal as
          she pulled her into her arms.

          Laura thought it  was  all a dream as Shaun unhooked her bra
          and  ripped  off   her  pink  lace  panties.  Gone  was  the
          gentleness of Shaun's  hands.  Trembling  she felt her mouth
          being ravished as she lay on the cushions of the divan.

          Shivering with delight,  fear,  expectation Laura yielded to
          her touch as Shaun carried her into the bedroom and laid her
          on their bed.   All  gentleness gone, one for the other they
          abandoned themselves to  a sensual, almost violent making of

          For hours they  clung  to  each other, and when Shaun rolled
          away she fell into a deep untroubled sleep.

          Laura lay staring into the blackness, tears rolling down her
          cheeks. She knew  in  her  heart  that they would never make
          love again.

          The next morning  there  was between them an air of coolness
          that Shaun did  not  understand.   By  the  end  of  the day
          conversation became almost impossible.

          Before going to  bed  unable  to  control her feelings Laura
          burst into tears telling Shaun their affair was over.

          " All I  want  is  to  be  treated  as  an  equal in all our
          lovemaking. You must  understand  Shaun,"  she  said between
          sobbing and crying,  "  I  can't  be  dominated - - not by a
          pretend man."