Welcome To De Costa Uganda!
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren ( April 25, 1973)

WELL, HERE WE ARE, Easter come an' gone an' de tourist season well under way, everyone gittin' de bugs out de beds an' hangin' up de Airwick in de lavs prior to de great summer rush. Pussonally, I doan pay too much attention to de Easter business, bein' a Muslim, but dis year we bin celebratin' in de traditional way, wid de pubberlic executions anywhere wid a hill convenient for de bus.

We lookin' forward to a pretty good tourist season, now we kickin' out de Asian hoteliers and fillin' de premises wid de trained Ugandan staff wot shapin' up top-hole: soon as we train 'em to stop eatin' de suitcases, we gonna be able to offer de fust-class service, also got to git 'em out de habit o' shinnin' down de lift-cables wid de room-service requirements, lost fifteen waiters over de weekend, found 'em all in de basement looking like a stack o' hamburgers. Also lookin' for a way to stop de chambermaids comin' down to de swimmin'-pool at sunset an' drinkin' it.

Accommerdation apart, we offerin' a lot of interestin' sights in Kampala and environs, such as watchin' de changin' of de guard, which is where de incomin' lot turnin' up every mornin' at eleven a.m. an' shootin' de outgoin' lot. Also sellin' de pop'lar souvenirs, de traditional figures holdin' ashtrays, cigarette lighters, nutcrackers etcetera, provided de last gumment comin' back from de shrinkers in time. Gonna open all de stately homes, too, so's de pubberlic can see where de antique furniture used to stand and de ole master pitchers hangin' before we put 'em on de truck, not to mention de famous tours of de game reserves to see de journalists, Tanzanian dipperlomats, in-laws, an' all de rest of 'em, any tourist takin' de Brownie out better watch it if he doan wanna end up on a string in de Gift Shoppe: de traditional native carvin' ain't dead by a long shot.

Evenin's we puttin' on de Song 'n' Looniaire, showin' de history of Uganda from last Tuesday up to de present day, featurin' such pop'lar items as Idi Amin Goin' Out For Fags, Idi Amin Up De Footer Match, What Idi Amin Doin' In De Holidays, Idi Amin Singin' Along Wid His Geraldo Records, an' so forth, bound to pull de pubberlic in, got two regiments o' pullers standin' by, jus' in case de Kampala Gaumont tryin' anything funny such as puttin' Tom 'n' Jerry on again.

Anyway, as I bin pointin' out in de press, de whole obberjeck of de tourist exercise is on account of we needin' to pull in de famous foreign currency wot turnin' out to be in pretty short supply now we kickin' de foreigners out. So wot we got to do is kick 'em back in for a bit. Pussonally, I preferrin' not to let 'em get further than de airport, jus' ask 'em to step off de plane an' leave de travellers' cheques in a pile by de gangplank while waitin' for de nex' flight back.

Trouble is, that ain't gonna satisfy 'em. Everyone want somethin' for nothing these days.

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