Me An' Smitty
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren ( November 18, 1973)

AFRICA takin' another great leap forward dis week, bungin' de disgustin' Peter Niesewand in chokey, wid a bit o' luck he gonna rot there; nothin' like a bit o' rottin' to teach people their place. It truly amazin' how Ian Smith comin' on as a African leader in de great Amin mould; him an' me constitutin' de twin bollocks against Communism in Africa.

It seemin' like only yesterday Rhodesia a hot-bed of de well-known pinko dissent, load o' left-wing judges in de pay of de Kremlin goin' through long riggermaroles like "Wot you pleading an' "Has he got a lawyer?" an' "Who de jury foreman?" an' suchlike instead of jus' bringin' de bugger up from de cells an' gittin' de black maria roun' de front wid de engine running. Also used to have de incredible open courts, memmers of de public comin' in an' waggin' their ears an' tryin' to subvert de course of justice any time de judge feel like steppin' across de court an' givin' de accused one up de bracket. Dat what colonial rule doin' fo' a country, dat de famous decadence everyone talkin' about, responsible leadership can't even get de firin' squad out of bed Good Friday widout some commie journalist tryin' to print de story. Doan seem like it was less than eight years ago people used to be able to read any ole trash in de Rhodesian papers, an' no-one to protect 'em from findin' out de sort o' stuff that could keep 'em awake half de night. Me an' Smitty got de right idea about newspapers, as long as they stickin' to what's on down de Odeon an' who bin snuffin' it from natural causes an' what size yam carryin' off de Grand Challenge Cup up de Bulawayo Bring 'n' Buy, dey doin' a great job. Any editor steppin' over dat gonna wine up wid a headline in de obit column.

'Course, a lotta people sayin' Smitty bin takin' a long time gittin' aroun' to de secret trials an' jailin' de journalists, an' wot kind o' firm leadership is dat? What they doan unnerstand is you can't expeck a white man to suddenly emerge as a natcherl leader overnight, he got seven hunnerd years o' de notorious democracy against him, he needin' a little more time to develop, he bin brought up different, he bin used to a different system wid people walkin' about an' sayin' "On de one hand" an' "On de udder hand" and "Wot about takin' a vote on it?" an' all dat cod's wallop, an' it prob'ly goin' against de grain wid a lot o' Rhodesians at first, havin' de famous kith an' kin whipped out o' circulation, put under house arrest, hauled off in de middle o' de night, censored, deported, beat up, an' all de rest o' de things wot demonstratin' political maturity. Got to remember a lot o' Rhodesians only bin in Africa a few years, can't expect a bunch o' primitive immigrants to unnerstand wot de country all about.

'Course, dey learnin' pretty quick, most of 'em stopped askin' questions, most of 'em jus' gittin' on wid makin' de bread an' keepin' their noses out o' where it doan concern 'em, most of 'em forgettin' they was ever Brits an' brought up wid all de crap about free press, free elections, open trials etcetera, most of 'em learnin' how you git to be a good African, these days.

Dey got a great little teacher in Smitty, anyhow. I oughter know. After all, it lookin' like he learned it all from me.

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