Part One: De Gadarene Storm
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren (4/4/1973)

THINGS SHAPIN' UP pretty good wid Tanzania, wid any luck it all gonna be over by Xmas, and dis country gonna have a genwine hero, ain't no use walkin' about and chuckin' de Opposition in chokey an' choppin' de hands off of looters an' bootin' out de Asian parasites; ain't worth more'n two paragraphs in de average History of De Worl. Man wants to git in de househole word rank, wid de statues springin' up like mushrooms when he snuffin' it, he gotta git hisself a Great War. Bit tough on Tanzania, but dat de way geography crumbles, damn lucky for Nyerere I ain't Attila de Nun.

Anyway, as you no doubt been reading I got de bi-cycles, I got de kilts, and there ain't nothin' stir de people up like de sight of de ole Highland Cavalry comin' over de hill on their Rudge Gents' wid de skirl of de bicycle bells and de knees whanging up and down like footer balls. We gonna be de Blackest damn Watch anyone see in a long time, and pussonally I ain't givin' de Tanzanian Fusiliers more'n about two days, top weight.

What de famous Times ain't noticing what wid concentratin' on de purchase of de kilts and pushbikes, is I now kitted out wid de porkpie hat, boiler suit, and a box of de well-known Havana cigars specially grabbed by de Home Seckertery off de British High Commissioner's desk. Main thing now is gettin' de speech polished up, then we can git on wid de annexin' and wipin' out. Speech lookin' pretty good already; here's what we got so far:

"Ain't got nothin' to offer but blood, toil, tears, sweat and a poke in de mouf for anyone wot gittin' funny ideas. We ain't gonna do none of this flaggin' or failin' business. We gonna fight on de seas an' oceans, if Tanzania comin' up wid any, we gonna fight on de beaches an' de landing grounds, we gonna fight in de fields an' de streets an' in de hills, and if we gittin' any trouble from de staff, we gonna fight in Dar-es-Salaam Woolworths. Way we plannin' to bear ourselves, even if de Ugandan Empire gonna last a thousand years, people still gonna go round sayin', "Hum, dat was de finest hour, an' no mistake!" Dis ain't de end. It ain't even de beginning of de end. Maybe it de end of de beginning. Mind you, it could always be de beginning of de beginning, or de end of de middle, or de middle of de end part of de beginning. Give us de job, and we gonna finish de tools. I now takes great pleasure in givin' de prize for progress an' attendance to Mungo Boan of 4A."

Gonna hit 'em wid dat in Ngaga Road Junior Boys soon as de signs is right, and from then on, ain't gonna be nothin' but glory, fame, an' Graham Sutherland portraits all de way. 'Course, what we hopin' is Nyerere gonna run screamin' to de US of A, an' Nixon comin' in on Tanzania's side. I bin readin' where he just about to shell out three billion dollars to de Viet Cong, an' in de well-known words of Winston, dat ain't hay.