Our Man In Kampala
From 'The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin' by Alan Coren (March 28, 1973)

BIT OF A RUSH wid de copy dis week, world, dis Foreign Correspondent game got more in it than meet de eye, turned out wife number four knocked off de cleft stick on account of it a top-hole day for drying vests, wid de result that my hot line to de outside world bin holdin' up de clothes-rope out back till jus' now. Won't happen again, though: she gonna get three years for interferin' wid de freedom of de Press, soon as de Supreme Court soberin' up.

Still, it a dam' sight better filin' your own stuff, as I explained in my last article (wot jus' bin awarded de famous Gobel Prize For Literature, de top Uganda gong for genius, £25,000 in used notes given by de gumment whenever it knocked out by a first-class piece o' spellin'), an' I damn glad most of de other correspondents currently gittin' de order of de boot.

In fact, dis week's hot story concernin' a sim'lar piece of legislation, only dis time in de ol dipperlomatic field. You no doubt bin hearin' elsewhere about how I givin' de well-known heave-ho to de British High Commission. From now on, ain't gonna be none of dis formal contact between de Uganda Gumment an' Acting High Commissioner Harry Brind, who damn lucky he ain't gittin' a poke in de conk, struttin' around in de pinstripe material and de polished boots an' claimin' he de direck link wid de Queen. I ain't got nothin' against de Queen, God bless her an' all wot sail in her, only she and Brind got to know their place; they occasionally forgettin' that I got a direck link, too, an' mine is wid de Almighty, and he gettin' pretty choked off lately wid de way dis Brind item bin shovin' his nose into de pussonal affairs of His Emmisary On Earth, Special Agent Idi Amin, D.Litt., 007, winner of de Gobel Prize two weeks runnin' if I'm any judge.

Dis Harry Brind ain't gonna do any representin' no more. In addition to bein' de Foreign Press Corps, I now also de new Acting Acting British High Commissioner, wid special responsibility for dealin' wid de slow takeover of British property in Uganda, i.e. sendin' de Flyin' Squad round to change de locks an' hand out de one-way tickets for de next Dakota. De milliner jus' bin round wid de new hat, it got plumes comin' down over de ear, and I got dis spiffin' new dress uniform, it got Ammiral of de Fleet trousers, Air Chief Marshal jacket, an' de genuine ermine D.Phil. (Oxon.) gown fastenin' at de neck wid de VC, Iron Cross, an' Gobel Prize Medal and Bar. Dat what a High Commissioner ought to look like, a bloke wot stand out at de garden party, keep de waiters on de hop wid de ole cucummer sandwiches, and not gettin' mistaken for a patron of de Montagu Burton Hire Purchase Department. Also got a big ceremonial sword, comin' in damn useful if anyone else's Ambassadors gittin' funny ideas.

Still, de main question remainin' unanswered: which are, do I get addressed as His Excellency President General Idi Amin, Esq. or President His Excellency General Idi Amin Esq., or General His Excellency . . .

Anyone got any ideas, I'll be down de used car lot.

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