De Way To De Stars
From 'The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin' by Alan Coren (March 14, 1973)

"Radio Uganda broadcast yesterday that President Amin had reported sighting a mysterious flying object, descending and then taking off again over Lake Victoria." The Times

GOOD EVENIN', world! You no doubt been readin' in de famous Times newspaper and elsewhere about me seein' off this Thing what are landing in Uganda, hub of civilisation, last Saturday dinner-time. I ain't normally one to rush out wid de wile claims, but as, on dis occasion, de affair concern de entire world on account of how dis Thing planning to take us all over and turn de planet into soup, I reckon you got a right to know how you was saved.

I was jus' coming back from chucking out de Cabinet and working out an ad for de papers about all these pretty good cars now on de market, what wid de owners concerned currently kicking their heels in chokey prior to gettin' put up against de wall, when I see dis green light hoverin' over Lake Idi, formerly Victoria. It look about de size of Wemmerbly footer pitch, and it going like the famous clappers before stoppin' for the ole hovering and I say to myself "Hum, dis are indubitably a Unknown Flyin' Objeck! Point is, are it comin' direct from God to his chum Idi, an' possibly containin' large numbers of ackers with a view to wipin' out de National Debt, or are it somethin' less appealing i.e. some Asian bastard in a secret weapon, it gonna cause untole damage?"

Years of de well-known diplomatic training now comin' out, I creep up on de Thing and pull out de famous Webley .45, on account of if it come from God it prob'ly bullet-proof, an' if it come from Calcutta or Southall or some-where sim'lar, a hole in de head is best for openers. Anyhow, just as I linin' up de sights, dis door opens an' a tall green item wid three heads come down de steps.

"What-ho," it say wid de far left head, "you mus' be de famous Nearly Field-Marshal Idi Amin Esq., wot we all hearin' so much about on Pluto and neighbourhood."

"That me," I reply, "you talkin' pretty good English fo' a dog. How Donald Duck keepin'?"

"Har! Har!" go all the heads, pussonally I don't see what's so funny, dese green bastards got a damn' queer sense of humour if you ask me.

"Wot you after?" I ask them, wantin' to get to de point, on account of I already overdue for a coupla shootings and a bit of de ole toenail-pullin' and I ain't ever gonna get to de Odeon at dis rate, either.

"Well, we gettin' de word where you is shapin' up as King of de World," say de Thing. "It lookin' like de White lot has finally woun' up business, and you indubitably Top Nig, anyhow dat de way it lookin' from Pluto. We Greens is gettin' a whole different perspective, especially wid de three heads. So what we offerin' is a merger, we got an expanding population, lot of Plutonians standin' round scratchin' de bum on account of unemployment, what we got in mind is unloadin' a coupla million surplus Greens, you got a lotta space here, jus' what we lookin' for."

"Suppose me and the world say no?" I says.

"Any of that," say de Thing, "and we turnin' on the well-known death-ray wot we gettin' from sendin' up de Kelloggs packets, gonna be a lotta things goin' BLAT! and KAPOW! and similar. You no doubt a student of de Hotspur etcetera and know we ain't bluffin'."

He got me there.

"Look," I reply, "it sound to me like wot you needin' on Pluto ain't so much a reduction in popperlation as a few damn good organisers, a few topline Cabinet Ministers, Generals, Bishops, that kind of item, we got top blokes here, soon get things sorted out, soon whackin' out de ole Gross National Product fit to bust a gut. These here Asians is bloody first class organisers, best thing is I crate up a few dozens and send 'em off along wid de Ministers and so forth. Got more'n enough here. Surplus to requirements."

The Thing amble about a bit after that, scratchin' de various bonces, and he come back and say, "Right-ho, King, we gonna try it your way first off. Anything go wrong, we gonna come back here and step on your face."

Then he climb back in UFO and eff off, very quick.

He comin' back, though. On a regular basis. So I jus' want to say, apart from pointin' out that the world bin saved once again by a genius of the stature of Attila, Hitler, Nelson Eddy etcetera, that if anyone notice people vanishin' from Uganda over the next few months, not to worry, they all doin' damn good on Pluto.

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