Red Sales In De Sunset
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren ( November 21, 1973)

HO, WELL, dis international dipperlomacy sho' payin' off! All de runnin' about an' visitin' de wog brothers durin' de recent Middle East business at my own pussonal expense finally comin' home to roast. Anyone readin' de famous Times where it sayin' how I takin' delivery o' de Russian weapons an' wonderin' how it gittin' swung don't know nuthin' about de dipperlomatic game.

Gittin' off of de Presidential biplane last week, and wot I findin' but all de top-class stuff lyin' in de front garden - tanks, pussonnel carriers, fiel' guns, automatic weapons, long poles wid nails in de end, ain't seen nuffin' like it since sendin' up fo' de Boys Own Paper Giant Packet o' One Hunnerd Top Worl' Stamps fo' A Mere Shillin'. Only difference is, nobody askin' fo' de shillin' this time, it all free, grated an' fo' nuffin'. Lot o' de stuff still in de workin' order, also consid'able antique value, specially a armoured car wot gittin' de lef'-hand track shot off at Stalingrad, accordin' to de label. Uganda now got a fully equipped tank regiment, dam' sight better than de present 17th/21st Rudge Tricycle Brigade wid de plywood turrets, all we got to do now is teach de drivers how to pedal de metal jobs. Luckily, two doz. assorted gents in de astrakhan collars an' snowshoes turnin' up wid de consignment - jus' makin' sure de present arrivin' in one piece - and they immediately tellin' me where they prepared to work fo' nuffin'! Wot you gonna do? I askin' 'em, an' they replyin' about how they gonna teach de troops how to fire de guns, count de nummer o' shells, tie up de noo boots, etcetera. Wow! Dat wot I callin' generosity! Natcherly, when de top advisor sayin', in de nicest possible way, how would it be if a few more o' de technical experts and so forth comin' over on de nex' plane, I replyin' dat it all right wid me. No-one have to teach Idi Amin de manners. People give you a lotta guns, free advice, and so forth, leas' you can do is let a few o' de mates come roun' fo' de quick snifter.

Anyway, a couple o' hunnerd comin' in on de follerin' day, an' some of 'em actually prepared to help out wid de adderministration. 'Course, I givin' 'em a office in Gumment House; alos a carpet an' hatstand Grade 1, soon as I hearin' about de sack o' roubles wot bin deposited in a nummered account in de famous Switzerland on account of it bein' my birfday, apparently, accordin' to de Russian calendar.

Nicest people I ever met. It beatin' me why dey gittin' such a lousy press, mus' be on account o' dese capitalist lackeys wot dey tellin' me about who turnin' out to run de noospapers, an' it sho' fittin' in wid my own experience, you wouldn't credit some o' de things de Fleet Street hacks bin writin' about me, especially considerin' I a professional colleague an' everything Anyhow, it gonna be damn different up de Kampala Bugle f'om now on, we gonna be tellin' de word about de lovely Russian buddies; I even takin' on a Russian journalist colleague to do de writing damn lucky to git an expert to do de job, not to mention where he flew hisself in at his own pussonal expense, also prepared to do de job fo' free! We all brudders, he tellin' me.

De top advisor turnin' out to be jus' as generous. He tellin' me in de strictest pussonal confidence, man to man is de way he puttin' it, dat all dese Chinese buggers across de border in Tanzania has got to have a eye kept on 'em. You damn right, comrad, I tellin' him (everyone a comrad now, it damn frien'ly!), ol' Pigface Nyerere gonna git de head screwed to a tree one o' dese days, him an' his Chink cronies, we already had a coupla shies at de wicket wid de Fust Uganda Commando. Ho, say de top advisor, wot you need is de crack troops, my Gumment prepared to station a regiment on de premises, how about dat?

Wow! Wot could I say? It lookin' like there no end to dese people's kindness an' generosity!

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