De Final Solution
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren ( October 31, 1973)

DE WHOLE WORL' saying he bin forty days in de wilderness, dis boun' to be one helluva comeback! Where he bin? What he bin up to? When he fixin' to start spellin' him wid a capital Haitch?

De truth is, my circulation-shatterin' absence f'om dese esteemed pages ain't got nothin' to do wid bein' in de wilderness, altho' it ain't fo' want o' trying seein' dat de wilderness concerned is currently full o' my dear Arab brudders an' de mad blood-lustin' Zionists who by failin' to fall back on all fronts has committed a crime o' such maggernitude an' aggression, it leavin' de well-known Jock de Ripper at de post. You all knows by now how I bin tryin' to git up to de front, whippin' roun' de Arab capitals in de Imperial biplane an' offerin' to lead a army in de field; got no takers, tho', no doubt on account o' de lovely Arab brudders figurin' it givin' 'em a unfair advantage, signin' up a bloke capable o' takin' Tel Aviv single-handed, dey preferrin' to rely on dis Sam Missile character who obviously reckonin' he de rat's pyjamas. Pussonally, in case he got any big ideas about steppin' in an' usurpin' de place I holdin' in all wog hearts, I sayin' heah an' now, Sam, any time you wantin' to meet me back o' de Kampala gym, you say de word!

Anyhow, dat all past hist'ry, an' now de homicidal International Conspiracy got across de Golan Canal an' ev'rywhere, I withdrawin' de offer, on account of I ain't got time now to shove 'em all de way back again. I got new headaches at home, also comperlicated by de fac' I havin' to appeah on de famous BBC-2 peak-spot ev'ry Saturday night in libbin' colour, millions o' loyal fans turnin' de knob at 8 pee em, an' it damn tricky whippin' back an' forth to de hub o' de Ugandan Empire widout even time fo' a quick gin in de Wood Lane International Celebrity's Mess. Because, as you no doubt bin readin' in de quality papers, de infamous Britain an' de treacherous United States gone into partnership wid a view to invadin' Uganda and bungin' me in chokey. You also noticin', o' course, dat de pinstripe nits at de Foreign Office issuin' a statement wot describin' my allegations as "utter piffle", an' dis jus' goin' to show de mentality o' de Douglas Alec-Home crowd wid de jargon rooted in de period o' de barmy P.G. Woodlouse. Well, it comin' as no surprise to me, de Alec-Homes bin Jews since I don't know when, an' it typical o' de rabbinical mind an' de infamous eye-fo'-a-tooth attitude dat de reaction to my spontaneous offer to de Arab brudders is to put de paratroops in Kampala an' start kickin' de loyal subjecks about. Also, you got to take de jealousy into account, an' de fac' dat de disgustin' Lew Grade gnashin' de choppers ev'ry time I appearin' on BBC-2 an' kickin' hisself fo' not signin' me up wid ATV. Dat de International Conspiracy fo' you, Lew Grade an' Douglas Alec-Home thick as thieves, a couple o' Jewish sirs wot gettin' de coveted gong fo' de services to Marks & Spencer. It de way it always bin, wot you think de S standin' fo' in Sir Winston S. Churchill?

Anyhow, I ready fo' 'em any time dey fancy droppin' in, an' all I can say is, de Brits can count it damn lucky dey ain't sharin' no common frontier wid Uganda, else me an' de loyal Uganda Army would be in Potters Bar by Christmas. Me an my brudder Sadat knowin' all there is to know about pre-emptive peace initiatives.

«NEXT» «Collected Bulletins» «Humour» «Library »