Blackin' Up
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren ( August 22, 1973)

DE INTERNATIONAL PRESS comin' down heavy on me over de boot-polish business. It typical o' de gen'l way I gittin' treated, every time I puttin' up a serious suggestion wot backed by a lifetime o' shrewd statesmanship an' de natcherl wisserdom, all de hacks fallin' off de chairs tryin' to twiss it roun' out o' context.

It puffeckly reasonable to expeck de famous Asian brudders an' sisters to stop blackin' up. It gittin' damn ridiculous, every time I turnin' de back, more an' more o' de well-known Indo-Pak set got de faces stuck in de Cherry Blossom tins, comin' up lookin' like Eddie Cantor. It typical o' de frivolous attitude shown by de Asiatics: wot dey think I running a George Mitchell Benefit Match? Wot kind o' international respeck people gonna have fo' Uganda wid all dese bogus coons runnin' about de place? Nex' thing you know, everyone gonna be sittin' aroun' pluckin' de banjos an' tellin' de lewd Uncle Remus stories an' mumblin' "Yassum" an' "Hush mah mouf" an' all dat black-trash crap, an' tuggin' de forelock, wot accordin' to de top medical opinion make you go blind, plus barmy. An' wot de international visitors gonna think, all de Zurich gnomes an' Russian experts an' everybody wot flyin' in any day now to put de country on its feet wid de pop'lar sacks o' de foldin' stuff, wot dey gonna think when dey git off de plane an' look aroun' an' see all these coal-black buggers in de striped blazers an' de straw boaters soft-shoe shufflin' about de place, tryin' to pass, an' fillin' de native Ugandan air wid de pop'lar selections from Show Boat etcetera.

Also, it underminin' de pubberlic confidence. Wid de economic situation lookin' a bit bum right now, it helpin' people no end havin' mah Asian brudders an' sisters to kick up de backside when de goin' gittin' rough. At de notorious times o' stress, people got to have a underdog to lean on; it de secret o' de Adolf Hitler miracle, a name wot I proud to mention once again - people got de short memories, we gotta keep remindin' 'em o' de lessons o' Nazism, de famous philosophy wot givin' de worl' such boons as ersatz petrol an' de Volkswagen. Trouble is, we ain't got no underdogs no more; you go down de Asian areas dese days wid de big stick hopin' fo' a bit o' de morale-boostin', all you find is wot look like de Hamley's gollywog department, lotta eyes rollin' an' everyone callin' one another Rastus an' sim'lar. Bin a nummer o' unpleasant incidents lately, such as citizens gittin' beat into hamburger by de proud memmers o' de Uganda Constabulary who suspeckin' 'em o' tryin' it on, an' when you git 'em down de charge-room, it tumin' out you can't wipe de face off of 'em, it de genwine article.

Ain't safe on de streets fo' a black man, dese days. Dat de whole trouble wid democracy: you go roun' callin' people your brudders an' sisters, out o' de goodness o' de heart, you tell 'em everyone created equal, an' pretty soon they gittin' to thinkin' they as good as de nex' man.

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