How Go De Empire?
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren (Punch August 8, 1973)

DE COMMONWEALF CONFERENCE lookin' like Hamlet widout Othello. Natcherly, de word gittin' de wrong end o' de stick as usual, claimin' dat de famous requisition order fo' de Scotch Guards only a excuse so's I got a let-out on account of while I forkin' down de free chips in Ottowa, I runnin' wid sweat in case someone takin' over de throne. Fust of all, dat de last thing I worryin' about, on account of I carryin' de gole an' dollar reserves in de money-belt at all times, anyone takin' over gonna find nuffin' in de vault except a coupla piles o' TV dinners, an' de frozen cauliflower cheese not fetchin' too much against de Swiss franc on de international money market these days. An' it also standin' to reason dat if I afraid o' de possible coo, de one place I needin' de Scotch items is Uganda, walkin' up an' down outside de royal lean-to an' wavin' de cole steel about.

No, de worl' famous telegram to Elizabeth Two bein' in de nature of a genwine request, it all right fo' all de other so-called Heads o' State, no-one ever heard o' them, no-one know what J. Nyerere lookin' like, no-one grabbin' S.I. Korema on de street an' bummin' a lock o' hair, it all right fo' de rest o' de boys, damn lucky if some-one don't shove 'em down de back o' de bus. But I a pop'lar international showbiz personality wid de mighty following I seen what happenin' to Mick Beatle etcetera. pokin' his hand out de hotel windah to see if it rainin' an' befo' he know it, got fifty reporters hangin' on each finger. Also, havin' de four wives an' de flash uniform an' bein' on de Frost Programme, I constitutin' a sex idol, an' you know what happenin' to de famous Montague Burton, all he got to do is start thinkin' about a divorce, he gittin' mobbed by de shriekin' females every time he nip down de tobacconist. It pretty clear from deforegoin' dat if anyone needin' a platoon o' Scotch guards to keep de fans off de suiting it Idi Amin, D. Litt., on account of they not only got de reputation fo' thumpin' people wot gittin' outa line, such as journalists and so forth, but de kilt just de job fo' keepin' de ravenous wimmen away; dey see me surrounded by a half doz Highlanders, fust thing dey gonna say is: "Hum,, it pretty clear de gorgeous Idi only fancy birds wot standin' six-foot four an' goin' about wid de legs unshaved, not to mention de chin".

Concernin' de matter o' de private plane wot I requesting can't see why everyone findin' it so ridiculous: now we chuckin' out de Brits an' de disgustin' over-educated Asiatics an' so forth, Uganda a bit low on de trained pilots an' navigators etcetera. My private pilot still git sick every time he climbin' in de Link trainer, an' as fo' de Presidential navigator, he havin' a job findin' de right page in de Boy's Own Atlas, let alone Ottowa.

'Course, de infuriatin' refusal to meet wid my reasonable request don't mean necessarily I ain't gonna turn up. Gotta whole load o' ideas up de sleeve, such as levitating havin' a word wid God, changin' into a gull fo' a week or two, or, bein' a master o' disguise, jus' comin' along as somebody else.

So if you watchin' de telly, an' you noticin' two blokes wid de suntan an' de big white smiles an' de shakin' shoulders an' de interestin' accent, don't git too surprised. An' if you only sees one of 'em, don't start jumpin' to no conclusions, even if he dodgin' out early on de grounds he goin' fo' de Ammiral's Cup.

Could be he just missin' de four wives.

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