Canadian Capers
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren (Punch July 11, 1973)

ALL THIS DAMN hoo-ha about de well-known Edward Heath not takin' part in de Ammiral's Cup Race on account of it de Commonwealth Prime Ministers' Conference de same week, wot a load o' ole cobblers it all are! He could do hisself a lot more good bein' sick over de back wall o' de notorious Morning Cloud, gittin' de sea air an' polishin' de pop'lar suntan, gonna come back lookin' like a mahogany egg, jus' de job fo' a early election.

Damn sight better than goin' off to Ottowa, gittin' his face trod on. After all, what are dis Commonwealth business but a empty farce, full o' low grade nig-nogs like de globe-trottin' Gowon an' Asiatic trash only goin' to Canada to see if de passport still working not to mention such white boils as Gough Whittlam, ain't got no respeck fo' de Royal Fambly, only turnin' up to announce where he goin' Republican an' give E. Heath Esq. a sharp one up de bum at de Dinner 'n' Ball. Especially as de whole thing bin laid on by P. Trudeau, de infamous sex-fiend an' gen'l raver, not to mention Frog, what he doin' layin' on de jam tea, can't even speak de Queen's English? Wot gonna happen when E. Heath turn up there wid all dem comedians, foreigners, republicans, coolies, all sayin' things like "Hum, takin' a few bob on Bondi Beach these days, things lookin' pretty damn' good, how Phil de Greek an' his ole woman doin', Ted?" or "We doin' all right in Wogistan-on-Sea these days on account o' de oil drillin', jus' got ten Russian T-788s capable o' knockin' out de entire British Air Force before breakfuss, ho-ho-ho!" or "Bonjour, Epicier Eaf, esker-voos awy deux pee pour se frotter, ha-ha-ha!" An' wot ole Heath gonna reply? "Excuse de demob suit, things are pretty bad all over, price o' marmalade jus' gone up again, Channel Tunnel fell in larse night"?

He prob'ly only goin' on account of they comin' across wid de free nosh. Prob'ly takin' a doggy-bag, gonna bring a few scraps back for de starvin' Alec Douglas-Home, doan look as if he had a square meal inside him since Munich.

Pussonally, I ain't goin'. Ain't gonna sit down wid a lotta savages, answerin' a lotta loony questions concernin' de whereabouts o' de loyal opposition an' de judiciary, not havin' no Frogs pokin' their conks into Ugandan business, anyone want to find anythin' out about de Fatherland, let 'em send over a fack-findin' mission, we could do wid a few new lightweight suits etcetera. De spirit o' de Commonwealth dead as a doornail, far as I concerned, lotta rubbish gittin' treated as equals these days, not enough bowin' an' scrapin' goin' on to people wot got de Queen's Commission, fo' example, or nearly. If I went there, fust Asian wot forgettin' to come across wid de requisite Mister or Field-Marshal when introducin' hisself li'ble to end up defenestrated, if dat de word for someone wot carryin' his teef in his hat.

Anyway, I got dis big Ammiral's Cup darts match on dat week. Takin' on de entire Cabinet. Dat remind me, mus' git de blowpipe serviced.

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