De Great Nixon Cock-Up
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin by Alan Coren ( May 16, 1973)

DE CABINET comin' back from de holidays dis week, and about time too, de dishes pilin' up in de sink somethin' terrible. Gonna be good changing socks every Friday an' no mistake. You no doubt bin' readin' where one or two o' de ole trusted colleagues not showin' up on cue, includin' a Under-Seckertery o' State, an' if he readin' this up Nottin' Hill or wherever he hidin' his black bum, de message is Git back here double-quick if you don't wanna wine up as a Permanent Under-Seckertery, on account of there's a lotta Uganda you could wine up permanently under.

It beatin' me why all dis trash seekin' de political asylum, as a matter o'fact, when we got de bes' political asylum in de world right heah in Uganda, three square meals a day plus bread puddin' Sundays an' your own rubber spoon free o' charge. Also, you gits to meet a very high class o' loony, High Court judges, top journalists, opposition spokesmen, not to mention a large number o' madmen wot is on de record as believin' dat I ain't gettin' de current economic pollercy direct from Jesus Christ Hisself.

Anyhow, it all goin' to show dat you got to watch your mos' trusted execkertives like a hawk if you wants to stay in de leadin' business, an' it mystefyin' me why President Nixon makin' dis almighty cock-up, such as lettin' em go home at knock-off time an' not tyin' 'em to de chairs when they goin' up de barbers. If you don't do that, they gonna rush aroun' grabbin' de credit; soon as a coo gits pulled off, and befo' you know where you are, they gonna be makin' a snatch for de top job. De way I sees it, Nixon comin' up wid dis great scheme to kick in de windows at de notorious Watergate, which he puffickly entitled to do, bein' a President, an' soon as it comin' out, all de rubbish wot he surrounded hisself wid and in who he placin' de well-known deep truss go grabbin' de credit. Natcherly, soon as dis happenin', Nixon start givin' de ole heave-ho, chuckin' out Attorney Gen'ls an' sim'lar, but it too late by then. People ain't gonna believe him when he finally gittin' aroun' to acceptin' responsibility for dis masterpiece o' leadership. He gonna come on de ole TV an' say: 'I bin thinkin' it over, an' I want everyone to know,de whole thing was my plan from start to finish," an' everyone gonna say: "Hum! You jus' pinchin' de credit now it all comin' out, you never thought de great scheme up, give us de bloke wot doin' de caper, wot we need is de smack o' firm gumment, an' you piss off out of it!"

An' serve him damn well right, by jove! Ain't de way we playin' it in Kampala, I can tell you: only last week, it comin' to my notice, via a aide wot I keep chained to a pole down de telephone exchange, dat one or two new loonies bin meetin' up de Ngonga Snooker Parlour an' expressin' dissatisfaction wid de postal services on account of letters from relatives sayin'

"Please find enclosed best wishes for de birfday buy yo 'self summink wid de one-poun' noat"

bin arrivin' marked Opened in error an' no explanation about how de loot fell out down de Ministry o' Stamps an' got lost.

Soon as dis reachin' my ears, I off like de wind, kick in de Ngonga Snooker Parlour door, and droppin' all four of 'em before they gittin' the chance to tee up fo' de blue. Nex' thing I know, I hear dis aide down de phone exchange bin tellin' everyone how he behind it all. Still got two shots lef' in de famous Webley, so nex' stop de exchange; dis fink start runnin' like mad soon as he catchin' sight o' me, but not makin' more'n ten yards on account of de rope roun' his neck. 'Course, bein' a sportsman, I let him git to de far end o' de rope before openin' up.

Bin a long story dis week, world. Main reason is, if de American people ever gittin' aroun' to ditchin' de so-called President Nixon, I'd like 'em to know where to come fo' a leader wot ain't afraid to do a bit o' leadin', fo' a change.

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